Toddler Do’s and Don’ts
by Ginny Seuffert
Sometime around a year after birth, mom and dad are getting the hang of this whole parenthood thing, and really enjoying baby, who is finally sleeping through the night. Then, for no good reason, a sweet bundle of joy turns into a defiant little terror with a strong will. Toddler time is the true test of parenthood.
In the not-too-distant past, young parents were guided and supported through these challenges by extended family. Now, often geographically apart from the generation that came before them, many moms and dads feel unequal to the task of raising toddlers. Conflicting advice, some of it very bad, is all around. How do they find a way to raise happy, well-adjusted, wellbehaved children, when so many socalled experts tell them that brattiness is an unpleasant yet unavoidable step towards maturity?
The rest of us witness the sad result of this failure to take control of young children. We see screaming children in stores with parents begging them to be good. Our evenings out are ruined by out-of-control tots running around restaurants. Miserable, whining children seem to be everywhere. Can nothing be done? For those parents who do not enjoy the benefit of having extended family nearby, let Grandma Ginny offer some common-sense advice.
DO NOT give young children too many choices. Allowing toddlers to demand what foods they eat or what clothes they wear encourages them to be demanding and self-centered.
DO explain why family rules exist. Tell toddlers that they are wearing play clothes today because they might get dirty in the park. They eat eggs and toast for breakfast instead of cookies because too much sugar is not good for children.
DO NOT beg your children to be good. Tell your children they are expected to behave. Give only one warning. “You know you are not allowed to run in the restaurant. Sit still and eat your lunch now.”
DO set reasonable rules and be ready to enforce them firmly. “We must go home and you must sit in the corner, so you can remember to listen to Mommy next time we have lunch in a restaurant.”
DO NOT listen to whining. “I can’t understand you when you whine. Calm down and then tell me what you want. Use words.”
DO encourage your children to ask politely. When your toddler exclaims, “I’m thirsty,” answer, “Did you mean to say, ‘May I have a drink, please?’”
DO speak to your children in a simple, straightforward tone. “I expect you to be good in church.” “We are not buying snacks today. You may have a cookie when we get home.”
DO NOT buy your toddler something whenever you go out. This is a terrible habit that turns children into whining beggars. Warn them in the car, “Mommy is only picking up the dry cleaning and Grandma’s medicine. Do not ask for anything.”
DO NOT allow your children to decide when they go to bed. If baby cries when he is being put into his crib, some moms worry that maybe he is giving up his nap. When a toddler whines at bedtime, parents often relent because, “maybe she’s not tired.” Baloney! Since when do we allow a three-year-old to make health decisions? Pre-school children need eleven or twelve hours of sleep per night and a nap.
DO set reasonable and regular bedtimes and naptimes and enforce them. If 8 o’clock is bedtime, start the process at 7:30: bath, brush and floss, potty, story time, evening prayers, lights out. The same routine every night, with no whining allowed, will form good habits that will last a lifetime.
DO NOT lose your cool, yell, and scream. We’ve all done it, but it is very ineffective. The kids are afraid and might listen right away, but they will intuitively feel that mom or dad is not in control.
DO kindly but firmly insist that family rules are obeyed. Sometimes speaking in a very low voice, almost a whisper, works best.
DO NOT argue with your children. Explain your rules occasionally, but do not give the impression that they are up for debate.
DO give lots of praise for jobs well done.
Some readers may think I am being rather strict for such young children, but think again. It is not kind to allow children to develop bad patterns of behavior. Once you establish good habits, they often last a lifetime. Well-behaved children are happier, are admired by others, and can be given MORE freedom because they can be trusted with it.
Many years ago, when we had four school age children and a couple of babies, my husband and I visited some friends with two children of their own. My older kids were excited when they heard that the local parish was having a feast and they begged to go. When my husband and I checked our wallets, we realized that putting aside toll money, we had a total of $2 left over for the feast. (Rides were 25 cents in those days.) We told the children that each one could choose one ride, and the family would share a bag of zeppole (Italian doughnut holes) that cost $1.
My children had a ball! There was lots of free entertainment: magicians, jugglers, a band, and dancing. They checked out all the rides and took forever to make their choice of one. They shared the bag of zeppole with Mom, Dad, and the babies. They raved about the feast on the car ride home and talked about it for weeks afterward.
Our friends shared our financial problems, but did not share our good time. Obviously their children had learned that whining and crying get them what they want. Although their parents emptied their wallets buying rides and treats, the children howled the entire time we were there because they wanted the toys and stuffed animals they saw.
My children knew behavior like that would only get them one thing – a car ride home! Who was happier?
